If that was your dad, he is hot
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
