She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
