My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
