Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
