You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
