I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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