maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize