it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
where does the pee come out of this thing
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
