I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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