I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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