I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
