Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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