the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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