Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
