I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
