I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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