Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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