checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
