i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
