He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
