Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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