At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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