We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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