i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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