I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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