So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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