He uses pillows to masturbate.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize