Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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