I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
