1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
