I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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