Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
