remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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