there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
