Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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