I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
