WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
