Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
