Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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