ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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