i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
