Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Every concussion has its silver lining
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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