I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
