I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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