News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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