Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
