We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
