Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
