Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
