My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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