I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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