Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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