At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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