I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
