I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
birth control should be required to get into college
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
