Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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