I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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