you're like a bully in the Christmas story
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Acid is not a monday night drug
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
