i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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