but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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