oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's blow job season.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
