Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
