Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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