Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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